Diva-ku's

Dennis and Matt over at RF Babies wrote these bitchin' haikus:

"A Sabrina Lookalike
From Connecticut
Smelly gimpy coworker "
- Matt (Patches, Im not evil...I just like when people talk about me!)

"Working with funky smell
Gwen faces her own torture
Sushi she eats now"
- Dennis

Desmond submitted these:

Gwenjaming is cool
Her Divaness makes me drool
Lets make like llamas

I love that Gwen cubed
I dont even stair at boob
jelly beans are yum

Been Around The World and Found That Only Stupid People Are Breeding...




I love these cookies. In fact, they own your ass. Today I was at the grocery store on my lunch break, picking up a box for a mid afternoon smackerel of something, when I saw this putrid, little beast clad in sweatpants swipe a box off of the shelf in front of me and belch forth the following disgusting phrase (I've sounded this out phonetically to help you get the gist of this mongoloid): "Mommy, can we get these Pet It Ecoli cookies?" First of all, its more like "peh-tee eh-cole-yay", but thats neither here nor there. Had this scourge to humanity acutally read the package between her chubby fingers, she would have seen that here in America, its clearly translated in english underneath to read "The Little School Boy".

So before you go thrusting these delicious chocolate works of art down your gullet, I want an honest answer: Are you going to eat the entire cookie? Or are you gonna be a fatty-in-training, like momma and pick off only the chocolate and discard the sumptuous, buttery biscuit beneath?

Bleh! Die! Those cookies should have been mine, fatty.

A New Friend
This guy at "From the Edge" has linked to me and I wasn't even aware of it. Hello, new friend!

Mad With Power

I'm back at work today. There are 5 people in the office including myself, due to the heirarchy of who knows what and whose been here longest I'm in charge. Yes, I'm 21 and I'm in charge of the office. The only other people here are Wheelchair guy who smells, my friend Anthony, a guy called Krobot who tells everyone his last name is "Robot with a K" and an auditor. I want to run across the countertops and pelt them all with jelly beans and scream "You're not the boss of me now! You're not the boss of me now! You're not the boss of me now and you're not so big!"

Alas, I'll just sit here in silence and drink my decaf tea and pray for 4 p.m., although Krobot could commit me to the occupational health mental health offices if I pulled the jelly bean stunt. That could be entertaining. That would, however, leave wheelchair guy in charge, he doesn't even speak English well and he smells, and I can't do that to Anthony. Damn me and my morals!

Sickies

Being sick with a spring cold has its pros and cons.
Cons
I want to smash my face with the claw end of a hammer to get rid of sinus pain
My nose wont stop running
I'm tired as hell
Im weak and don't want to walk around.

Pros
You get to watch all of the good daytime tv, including dawson's creek
You can walk around the house in your undies 'cause no one is around
You can blog and IM all day while everyone else rots at work
You can eat when you want to eat

Now that I think about it, being sick all day sounds a lot like Boz's life.

Kooky Freaking Rules!

Guys its finally complete! A collaboration between Patches, Kooky and myself has resulted in this awesomeness. Revel in it, motherbitches:

DynamiteDiva.com

Friday's Unintelligable Fodder

If I was a senior citizen and I had a rascal scooter to scoot around on I'd like to call myself Diva Kinevil, I would do pop-a-wheelies and jump curbs and stuff. I'd show those lil rapscallions that depends are what the cool kids wear. Yeah A.A.R.P!

It is *SO* amazing outside today. Im trapped in the building until 4, but in a scant 2.5 hours I'll be free! I will frollick in the park with my poochie, Sahara. Woo Hoo! I urge you all to open the windows or go outside and let the stink blow off. It might make ya feel a lil better! Oh and in case you didn't get the memo: its the FREAKIN' WEEKEND!

And Finally: Roly Poly has just opened within walking distance of my house. I am so VERY VERY stoked about this. "w00t". Who wants to come over for wraps & a walk to the beach??

Better

I'm better. Thanks to those of you who replied. And to Jon & Twan Money for IM-ing with me.

eeep!

im sitting here at work. i just got back from lunch. I think im having a really bad panic attack...no, i KNOW I'm having a really bad panic attack. I can't tell anyone here though so I have to look like I'm a normal worker bee, so I sit here and I write. My hands are trembling on each key, they're sweaty and clamy and damp. It feels like all my guts are smooshing up into a tiny ball inside my ribcage. Its hot, but its not hot in here. My upper lip is going numb cause I"m trying to calm my breathing. Im scared I might pass out, Im having lil dizzy flashes. I hope all the one oclock lunchers just get out of here so there are less people around. I dont want to talk to anyone, yet they keep asking how my lunch was. Stop it. Im going to pretend to make a phone call, maybe they'll get the hint. I dont know what to do. I shouldn't have come back to work, but my boss is a powerhungry bitch and she makes it impossible and akward to call out. How do i call and say Im a fucking psycho im having a panic attack I cant work. Damn it...cant take another paxil, can't take a xanax cause i have none. I need to sleep this off I need to shut everythign off.

Something is weighing very heavily on me and my heart right now and I'm very scared. And there are only 2 people tops that I can talk to about it. Im probably worrying for nothing right now and painicking for nothing, but I can't help it. Im a natural born worrier. This is probably nothing, and probably not even waht i think it is becuase odds of this kind of thing are one in a kajillionbazillionmillion, but iM that one kajillionthmillionthbazillionth. Even if people were online I wouldn't be able to talk to them about this, but hopefully I could at least get my mind off of it. Someone IM me please. Maybe I could go throw up and then i would feel better. Something has to stop this now. Im breathing, im trying to do calm breathing but its hard to get myself unworked up when im like this. I feel like crying but i cant cry at work. I wish my mom was working today so I could go talk to her during this lil episode. Shit shit shit.

Random Thursday Thoughts

Its nice when you put your hand out to help someone along and rather than having to drag them to do things they finally take the intitative and walk WITH you...and they start to help themselves.

If its not rainy after work today I'm going to go to the highschool and walk a mile. I am dreading this, but my waistline says I must.

I saved the office from being stuck smelling the stinky guy...Yankee candle company makes room spray and it works and smells yum!

Today is bring your daughter to work day. The irony is that I'm here at work, while my mom is relaxing at home on her week off.

eBay is crack to me, although thankfully I've been outbid on most everything so I don't have to spend the acutal money.

Boz posts a lot.

Isn't it unusual that...

We're often scared to let those people in our "real" lives close to us, we shy away, put up fronts on dates and at work and never REALLY let people in. Yet here, in our little blogging community we (well me in particular) divulge some of the most intimate details of our personal lives that complete strangers can read and give us feed back on. Perhaps its theraputic as we're getting a semi-objective opinion on many situations, but in a way that seems so strange to me. Why is it that the anonymity (depending on how much of yourself you put out there) of the internet allows us to let people into our lives easier? Is it less scary to face human interaction when its only in print? Some people make the same crass, asshole comments that they would normally make, yet does it seem to bother you less because you don't knwo them?

Furthermore, I've been turned onto this whole "blogging lifestyle" because each new blog I discover shows me another personality, another life, another person putting themselves out there and feeds some bizzare voyeuristic side to me that I never knew existed. Am I soon to be a peeping tom??

Aside from those listed in my sidebar, I've stumbled upon some really great blogs through clicking links in links in links...and so on. Here's a list of a few that I love to read. (They'll go in my sidebar soon enough so I don't have to remember how to click through to them.)

Cheeks

Amy Choppa

Attorneys Suck...or IA (Im not sure)

Mo (A Cracked Southern Belle)

Fat Free Milk

Cacoa Pulp

God Bless The Internet

This is quite possibly the greatest and funniest thing I have ever witnessed. God bless that camera man, the internet, and Chad for giving me this lil gem. He got knocked the FUGGOUT!

Slave to Whitey

I owe 8 grand now (I didn't realize some of it yesterday). If I go according to my payment plan per paycheck (factoring car insurance and car payments) I will leave myself $300 to live on for 2 weeks and all of my debt (except for my car) will be paid off by May 14, 2004! God, I fucking suck. Also, all my credit cards are giong in the freezer. I might take up a second job for this shitty summer. Don't expect to see me going out much anymore....booo!

Rosa, my posa!

This is Rosa's Blog. She leaves me lots of commenty goodness, so you should all go frollick at her blog. Its pink and has kitties and 99 things about her. Go forth, my children.

Reality TV...Diva Style

Dear Fox,

I am watching "Mr. Personality" as we speak. It appears that you pay some drunk homeless monkey to write this crap, yet for some reason I feel compelled to watch it. However it inspires me to write a new reality T.V. show of my own...the basis of this show is poop. That is to say the "contestant" on the show chooses their mate based on the quality, look, smell or other characteristics of the shit of those vying for her love. I call it "Scatology Island"...can you pay me now please?

Thanks,
Diva

It Troubles Me That...

My cat, Paco, stole a hardboiled egg from the table and hid it somewhere in our house and we can't find it. Soon the egg halflife will kick in and said egg will start to launch a fetid olfactory assault on my house. Great, now I can't have guests for WEEKS! Fucking cat!

Wheelchair guy at my office probably smells comprable to what this egg will smell like and is oblivious to it.

I might be forced to start running to lose weight...ick!

My paxil is starting to make me not sleep at night, but I'm not allowed to take my ambien anymore because they don't play well together.

I owe $7,000 to various creditors, not including my car and I'll probably never be able to dig out from under it.

Tina Christ of Latter Day Saints

Tina has resurrected my comments from the depths of evil. She's the savior of this blog along with Patchus. Interesting side note: I did a google image search for "Tina Jesus" and came back with this:



Draw your own conclusions.

Happy Easter!


Its dangerous when I try to play Martha Stewart...This cake was supposed to look like a rabbit wearing a bowtie...eh, close enough.

Pictures

My kitty is so fucking cute...she owns your lame ass!



Oh yeah and Patchus made this ruling pic:


Comments will be back by monday!!

More Paxil Dreams

Last night I was surrounded in a traveling circus situation and all my friends were carnies but they were like these wierd vampire carnies...anyhow these nascar trailers kept flipping over and killing people and eventually I had to swim to this island where there was a battle of the good, non-evil carnies (myself included) versus the bad ones (all my other friends and various assorted ghoulies).

Anyhow, at this island we had to burrow down deep (like 2 miles) into this rock so we'd be safe. We found a lagoon in the core of the cave except the walls were made out of cooked salmon-esqe smooshy flaky stuff so it was hard to keep them out. We all had a rainbow color assigned to our powers and we used that to seal off the enterance we used to get into the cave. Unfortunately the ghoulies came down into our cave and morphed into these ork-like creatures from LOTR and we had to fight them. I hid behind a rock in the upper corner 'cause I'm a big chicken shit. Anyhow, I had to fight the last ghoulie, who was my ex-boyf, Joe B. (see "You Can't Teach An Old Dog New Tricks") I flew down and I turned into this AWESOME green dragon with green flames shooting out of my mouth and I burned him but he cut off my tail and I fell and broke my back, he picked me up and was trying to repair me and I buried I knife up to the hilt in his hip. Apparently this made him unevil and he fell in love with me, even though I was a dragon with no tail and a broken back....then I woke up.

I wish i could say I was making this shit up so that I would feel less wierd about it, but this is what I dream, every night I have wierd, crackhead dreams like this....what the hell?

I'm one of Bozley's Angels
(Or My First Foray Into Something Softcore)

10 Random Thoughts

1. I'm super uncreative so I stole this from Boz
2. I'm gonna shoot some *hopefully* bootylicious Bozley's Angels pics
3. Tina is the motherfuckingbombdiggitysuperemeubermamajamma of the universe.
4. I love the butter bear that tina mailed me
5. Im horny
6. Is it okay to sleep with an ex if you have no inention of getting together and you just want to do dirty things to him?
7. No one but tina gets "my Melody"
8. I miss lisa!
9. Work fucking sucks
10. Im bored.

Random Thursday Thoughts

When your doctor tells you to take your paxil everyday, once a day, its probably not a good idea to forget to take it since Saturday, because you'll feel like a miserable, nauseous shitbag for the duration of the week. Oh yeah, and you get nightmares too!

Last nite I dreamt I had a baby named Terrance Andrew. He was beautiful. I also dreamt that I fought Jeff S. inside a black SUV for being a cheap fuck. I also dreamt that I was in this wierd orgy house and every room had different fetishes in them. I was trying to wander out and I walked in on Jon, Missy, Anna and Randi fully clothed lying in a bed getting their feet tickled with a feather. I guess this random thought belongs with the previous "make sure you take your paxil" thought.

I live with my grandparents, well, they live in our house with us...my grandfathers sister died this weekend and now he's the only one of his family left. Is it appopriate to send him a sympathy card. I feel so bad for him, I just wanna smoosh him.

About a month ago, the fuzzy one and whitey's bitch made Leon Klinghoffer jokes in my post cruise blog comments. I didn't get them until 2 days ago when they caught the guy who hijacked the Achilles Lauro or whatever. I never heard of Leon Klinghoffer, prolly because in 1985, when he was killed I was only 4.

This is the funniest fucking thing I've seen in a long time and Im ordering one of their goddamned T-shirts! Go play here! Oh yeah and if you've been living under a rock, crawl out and go check out Homestar Runner.

This concludes our blogging broadcast day...for now.

Tickled Pink Ownz J00!




And so does Rainbow Brite.net, motherbitches!

See What I Mean About Tina??



This is more proof that Tina rocks your lame ass!

The Wisdom of Pooh



These are some very true quotes by a bear of very little brain:

"Sometimes when late morning rolls around and you're feeling a bit out of sorts, don't worry, you're probably just a little eleven o'clockish."

"Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon."

"When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you sometimes find that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it."

"Poetry and Hums aren't things which you get, they're things which get you. And all you can do is to go where they can find you."


Pooh is oh so wise. I wonder if someone would be nice enough to buy me the "Tao of Pooh" from my Amazon.com Wishlist. God, that was a shameless plug! (::Cough:: I'd also like the "Te of Piglet"::cough::)

All Girl Summer Fun Band!!

There aren't even words for the girlie awesomeness that is All Girl Summer Fun Band. "Dreamy dreamy dreamy" Big ups to Patchus for keeping an eye out on good music for me to love!

In case you hadn't noticed its the Monday blogging bonanza...one post an hour for the whole goddamned day!

More Diva Art!

Tina is the B E S T E S T ! she makes me the most bitchin' blinkies and diva art. Check out our hottie asses watching 7th Heaven together and then we rock out in our tilt jeans! I <3 the Tina Beana (she prolly hates that I call her that, but oh well!)

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New Tricks

Okay, I'm a fucking humungous idiot. I was in the process of "seeing where things went" with an ex of mine, and lo and behold this weekend the truth finally came out...I found out:
a) he's dealing A LOT of weed
b) he's dealing oxicontin, darvocet, xanax and a myriad of other pills
c) he's crating engines (stealing for those of you not in the know) from cars for cash.
d) he's a major weed/shroom/pillhead and he is ALWAYS high or under the influence.

That is drama and bullshit I do NOT want any part of. I feel so stupid because in my head and in my heart I've tried to justify everything. I've said to myself that he was BETTER than he was before, but its just because I was foolish enough to believe all the LIES he was telling me. I am a fool. A huge, stupid, asshole of a fool. I feel compelled to try and help him, but I can't have him in my life. Too dramatic. I don't want to be caught with him if/when he finally gets busted.

The thought crossed my mind about turning him in, but I'm too scared of him finding out it was me to do anything, he's a bit of a loose cannon. This weekend he told me to "shut my fucking mouth before he smacked me." I got in his face and screamed at him that if he ever so much as threatened to put a hand on me again I would call the cops and that I wasn't scared of having him arrested. The truth is I was so scared of how he would react to me saying that. But it ended it. We parted as "normal" this weekend, but he doesn't know that I've shut him out.

Can't I ever just meet a normal guy? What the fuck?

The Future Is BlackJack

(Alternate title: Another Crackhead Dream)

Okay so last nite I had another one of my kooky dreams. I was in someone's driveway and this little Jack Russell Terrier (or parsons terrier for those of you up on your terrier facts) who was black and white came running over to me. I looked at my friend who I was with and said "We have to keep him."
"What should we name him?" my friend asked.
Simultaneously we look at each other and say "Black Jack" and with that, the black patch over his eye changed into the shape of a spade. Now I'm on a mission in real life...I must find a Jack Russell or a Rat Terrier that is black and white and I shall call him or her "BlackJack" or Jackie for short (blackie just seems too racist).

Anyhow, I tell my friend to take the dog to the car so I can go use the facilities and when I open the womens room door I end up in my old boyfriends UConn dorm room. He and my other good friend, PJ, are in there and we start hanging out like old times. I'm laughing cause PJ, a guy, is wearing this ridiculous bright red lipstick and I tell him to leave a fake love note to his roomate, Shane. We all chuckle and they pass me a candy bowl. I grab a fistful of candy and start crunching away on it. I ask what they are as they taste so yummy and they tell me shrooms, because they wanted to trip with me again in hopes that we might 'get stuck outside of time' again. (See kids, drugs are bad mmm'kay?) I start tripping and rummaging through their room and I find my old pink feather boa that I used to wear all around the halls on drinking nights. I put it on and we just veg out and enjoy the trip.

All of a sudden I see PJ trying to hump my foot, and ask him what the hell he's doing and he says my foot has a magnet to his junk. It was very wierd. Anyhow I need to go the bathroom still so I go to leave and I open the door and step into an episode of the powerpuff girls. I, of course, am Bubbles and I walk throgh the house which is a giant tiled swimming pool and I walk in on the Professor and Sedusa taking a bath in the jacuzzi. They yelled at me and I woke up when my alarm went off to my Z-100 ZMorning Zoo Horoscope.

I need to stop taking this goddamned Paxil I think its making me MORE crazy, if thats possible.

Cue the porn music

This weekend I got laid for the first time since June 28, 2002. It was pretty great. No more "sex strikes" for me...thats just plain silly! So sure, none of you needed to a) think of me having sex with someone or b) hear the sordid, intimate details of my life, but its not like I told you I had anal sex with a Penguin or something!

Anyhow here's my recap for the rest of the weekend:
Friday night I ate dinner at Chevy's and had some BITCHIN' mexican food and some yummy strawberry 'ritas as well. Then I made the sex and that was also quite yay. I also watched some movies and started playing the new Zelda game for GameCube.

Saturday I slept most of the day and then I woke up, went to eat at Steak & Ale where I had some serious steaks and lobster tails (no, its not even close to Ruth's Chris yummy goodness, but still... I <3 red meat). Then I went to the village to some bars and for some groovy shopping and it rawked. Finally I came home and made more sex and watched Lord of The Rings again and it was joyful.

Sunday was quite sexless, but thats a-ok. My chach needed a rest after all that. I got a manicure with my mommy and then we headed out to IKEA to shoppe (remember the rule..."pe" makes it foreign...so does adding "Ye Olde") for some sweedish furniture. It was also very yay!

Diva's daily mood: HaPpY!

Scratch & Sniff!

Tee hee!

Snoogins!

28 year old Jason Mewes, from such hit films as Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back and Dogma has been to attend rehab or face jail time.

Where are Holden McNeil, Dante Hicks or even Cousin Walter when you need them? He better straighten his ass up or all he's gonna hear is the "bickety bam!" of the jail cell closing behind him....nootch!

B O R E D

I don't want to be at work today, but its been like almost a week since I've updated this crappy blog o'mine....So I give you Gimp Russian Roulette. Go forth and entertain yourselves.